You Have Always Been Wrong Reflection

I am “asleep”, Daumal says, quite often. In recent months I have become much more aware of the tasks I simply do. The things I chose once that have been set in pattern that I do almost by compulsion. It is easier to do things I have done before. I crave that simplicity.
I’ll stand on impulse and once diverted, no longer no why. Suddenly the reigns are being lead by the driver and I am lost. Whatever purpose the horse had is beyond me. But I am all, horse cart and driver. The self is body heart and mind, and the realms inbetween. The impulses the dreams the “sleepwalker” and the “conscious”.
What my body does is a part of me. It is not always being actively controlled, but does that make it lesser? I have known people plagued by overthought. I have known people plagued by underthought. I find it simple to think that one cannot “sleepwalk” and be a worthy, spiritually awake being, too.
I do believe that choices define a persons goodness, though. If we run on instinct, “sleepwalking”, can we say what is done in that time matters? We are all choice making beings subject to the other parts of ourselves.
The call of pattern is like a sleep. For how tired I get when I “stay up” later than I’m used to. I’ll fall right into pattern at the slightest provocation. Some part of me defends the “sleep”, I crave the static. It is so hard, once I step into my door, not to sit and “fall asleep” and fritter away my time and my guilt for frittering away said time. Often all I need is to stand, be “Awake” for just long enough to make a new choice and begin a new sort of day.
I have been trying, this last week or so, trying to be aware each time I make a choice. So as to make myself accountable to my own plans.
I avoided looking within once to avoid constant and unavoidable pain. I built my sleepwalker to distract itself from its tragedies, and now never awake long enough to truly combat it. I have been aware of this long enough to be deeply ashamed of my half-hearted attempts to fight it. Trying to stay always awake, or even for a little while, beyond me. I fall asleep to an unchanged sleepwalker, and I hid from awakening again to face it. My most recent plan of action was to retrain the sleepwalker, but I can never stay awake long enough, when the craving sets in one falter and I rest again in my feathery-down-failure.
What to do? Can I commit to never “sleep” again? Impossible perhaps. But perhaps only striving for that impossibility always will be enough to change the nature of my “sleep”.


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