Marcus Aurelius Meditation Reflection

Do I deserve to be alive? It is the question that last hit me with these kinds of thoughts. Though in my mind, the question is wholly absurd. Things simply are. Good or bad, or somewhere in between as most things must be in a universe of so many perspectives and plotlines. I am alive for no reason, because happenstance and choices of so many things beyond my control. I have some say in whether or not I stay alive, but fairly little. I do what I can to keep drawing in breath and puffing it out again, but it is not entirely within my hands. Though there may be nothing that is.
Save for me. What I do is something I believe I have. There are others who would disagree but I do believe that. I believe that to disbelieve in my own self is to succumb to a darkness that is both pointless and contrary to all things I think that I know. I have been wrong about a great deal in life. I have been wrong to put off my growth, over and over. I have been wrong about what the sky is and why humans curse it. I have been wrong about what I am even wanting for. I do what I can to try to be aware of myself, but for so long I have only strived for half-knowledge. So long I have not furthered what little agenda I get as a human. So long I have frittered and declined to fight for the reason I have chosen to believe my heart beats. I do only have so much time.
This snippet hits me in a place I have been dwelling, the place I return to when I am to reflect. The patterns I have been watching for so long and just beginning to intervene in once more. Perhaps truly, for the first time, but I have thought that before.
My enlightenment matters and it does need to be enhanced. I have been continuously gifted time—for no reason, I simply have it—and I squander it still. A one in an unfathomable number leads to me being privileged to walk and to breath with what little I have suffered.
My time is not wasted because I didn’t jump through the right hoops and autograph the right dotted lines, it is wasted because there is so much more I have wanted and needed from it and refused to gift myself in the name of sloth. Perhaps this realization is taxed and over-repeated to the reader, but it is more taxing to the author. Who has realized it hundreds of times at least.
My feet are on this humble path now, I believe. I know that I will stray from it, but I will step back on further, not turn around this time. I will make it so.


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